Setengah dari otak ku kaku karena ga kepake untuk “berpikir” sebagaimana biasanya. aku terlalu berkutat sama pemikiran orang-orang lain beberapa minggu ini. dagh!! setengah dari otak ku berontak. setengahnya lagi meredam. berhasilkah? [entahlah, perdebatan itu masih berlangsung, man!]
kemarin malam, mereka berdua berdebat seru. ini resumenya:
What are you thinking about?
This thing called “life.”
I’m really scared.
Because I don’t know what I am doing. I am just blindly making an attempt to get through this and hoping I do everything right. And I hate this job!
So what happens with you?
I don’t know.
What about getting a normal job?
Nine to five is a fate worse than death. I think I might completely lose it if I did that.
So you have to get a job, then. Could you do the net?
That I can do. I don’t think that would kill me. I just could not sit in an office and breathe the same stale air every day and not go home and shoot myself.
So what about your life?
So what are you going to do about it?
Live it. I’m not going to drag a blade across my flesh.
But you already are living it.
I know. I also know I’m lucky. There could be and is worse, but I don’t care. It means nothing to me. This is my path, and who the fuck is anyone else suffering on some far off place on the earth? A victim? Victims need to be helped with a bullet. I want nobody’s shit, thank you. I have enough of my own. I created this for myself, and I shall deal with it…like anyone else on this planet with even the slightest buldge of balls. You got it, deal it.
That lacked compassion.
I know. I wanna take it all back.
Where are you going on your path?
If I could feasibly go live in a cage with an Internet connection I would. Not possible. I suppose I’ll need an apartment.
So if you move to an apartment; is _____ going too?
Only to defrost my freezer. I am going whether anybody wants to follow me or not. I almost gave shit up for someone once, and I will never make that mistake again.
Is there anything you won’t give up?
I will not give up my ass. I already made it clear that if I skipped the island for two years, I would be happy. So I will not give them up within reason.
So what happens if you do make it off the island?
I don’t fucking know. I’m not psychic. Maybe I’ll get to sit around and act crazy. Maybe I will still have to act like I have it all together. Maybe I can be crazy on Monday and Wednesday and act like I’m civilized for the rest of the days. Maybe maybe motherfuckin’ maybe.
What are you seeking?
So many things, yet only one comes to mind and that’s fine by me.
no. it is whatever you want it to be.
Let’s say that you end up making a lot of money by some miracle. What are you going to do with it?
Scream out the windows and drink myself to death? I don’t know. If anyone is dumb enough to pay me a hundred thousand dollars to write a book or take a picture then I suppose I get what I deserve after that. I know that when my sense of responsibility dies, I’m probably going to die along with it.
And what if that occurs?
So have we decided anything?
No. I want to run away.
That’s no good.
What are we going to do?
Anything, I suppose. I can’t just give up. I sound like I have it tough. Fuck, right.
Sorry about this. I just needed to have it written down somewhere.